Photo by Gaurav Dhwaj Khadka
Medieval holiday music on the radio, Trio Medieval, singing Norwegian Christmas music, three women’s a cappella voices, the rain on the roof, the ground outside becomes an accompaniment, quiet drumbeat rhythm rather than the bleak Dickensian downpour it seemed to be a few hours back, after waking up. The voices blend, dip, become separate complementary strands again and again. I could have been out running around the world, pointless errands, money changing hands, but I dallied here and now I’m glad because maybe this is the moment, the holy moment, that will redeem this day, rescue it from my negativity, the simmering urgency I so constantly feel to do, to improve, to be better, to strive. Seems to me I’ve been in one of two states lately: holding my breath, suspended, tiptoeing around the upset that has become a huge part of my life OR letting it all go, hollowing myself out, surrendering, to the rain, to the tossing and turning at night, the difficulties, the sadness, what feels like failure or, at the very least, thorns in my side.
Neither state is very useful or fun.